Editorial: I’ll Die Before I Let A Bear Eat Some Of The Snacks I Brought For This Camping Trip
June 26, 2016 - Universe
by Keith Sharpe, Pasadena
No. Oh hell no. It is not going down like this. You have got to be kidding me.
This bear is going to stroll right up here and just take all of the food I prepared for this camping trip?
This is some bullshit. I spent hours on these snacks. I made turkey sandwiches with homemade garlic aioli. That’s right, HOMEMADE MOTHERFUCKING AIOLI. I was like god damn Emeril Laggase with these puppies.
I also concocted the perfect trail mix. 20% peanuts, 8% M&Ms. Needless to say I had this shit down to a science. Just the right amount of raisins. It takes skill to get the texture to the level I have it right now.
And my peanut butter cookies. My previous cookies. I’ve been looking forward to those all day. I was going to heat them up over a fire and dip them in milk. Shit.
So now I’m just supposed to let this bear enjoy my beautiful delicious snacks. I’m supposed to be all afraid and run away and pray the bear doesn’t attack or eat me.
Well you know what? Screw that. I want these damn snacks.
So come at me, Yogi! You ain’t getting in this pic-a-nic basket today! I’ll beat the shit out of you and your other bear friends. I will punch you right in the god damn face.
I will scratch and claw and bite you. I will kick your shins and choke you. Whatever it takes. I’m gonna pull some Jackie Chan shit on you and your Berenstein-looking ass.
I’m keeping these snacks. Or I’ll die trying. Sometimes you have to stand up for what’s yours, even if it means fighting a god damn bear. So you want my cookies bear? Come at me! I’m feeling crazy and I’m ready to fuck you up!!!!
Ayaaaa!! Hiya! Take that! And that! And…ow! Stop it! You little…oh not the knee! Ow! Give me back my damn cookies! Ow! Don’t you touch that aioli. Pow! Ah! I hope someone’s filming this on their phone!