Editorial: Can You People Please Stop Leaving Your Kids Unattended In The Backseat Of Your Car With The Keys In The Ignition?


December 14, 2015 - Uncategorized

by Jake Phillips, Carjacker

Dear Townspeople,

I’ve been carjacking in this city for a number of years now. Maybe I’m just upset because I’ve been on an unlucky streak lately, but I was wondering if I could ask you a favor:

Can you folks please stop leaving your children in the backseat of your car with the engine running?

I know it seems like they’ll be fine while you go talk to the neighbors real quick, but when people like me see you acting like a jackass with your back turned to your running car we’re going to do something about it.

It’s quite an inconvenience. What usually happens is I’m halfway down the block when I hear the inevitable whimper coming from the back. “Dear God, not again,” I think as I slowly turn to the back seat. And of course, there are the horrified gazes of your three young children staring back at me as they hug each other and cry.

Come on people, really?

You see, this throws a huge wrench into my day. Instead of making off with a new car, now I am frantically trying to find a spot to drop these suckers where no one will see me.

And then the inevitable broadcast comes over the radio…”Amber Alert issued for 3 young children in Pasadena”….fuck! Now it’s a goddamn Amber Alert. And they have the license plate so when I drop off the kids I’ll have to leave the car as well.

Basically the whole thing is an unnecessary headache. Which is why I am taking the time to reach out to you today.

Look, you want your kids to be safe. I want nothing to do with those brats. Let’s be smart here and keep an eye on those guys, huh? You can leave the car running without them in there.

I hope I’ve convinced you to change your mind. And if you happen to drive an ’13 Nissan Pathfinder and are missing one of your kids I dropped him off by the baseball fields in Altadena this morning.

Damn, a Nissan Pathfinder? I guess was pretty much asking for that one, huh?



› tags: advice / crime / criminals / family /