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Top 5 Things I Seen In The War

May 27, 2016

By Hugh Jenkins, Pasadena 5. Good eats in Kananga Great bready-rice dish in this town. Friendly folks will cook it fresh right in front of you. It was a welcome respite from the constant bloodshed and horror. 4. Crazy tree in Tshikapa This thing was wild. Had these pointy arm things that looked like goddamn…

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Tech Review: Oh Yeah, Fuck Me IPhone X

May 21, 2016

By Bert Strong, Tech Reporter Oh. Oh yeah. Oh my god yes. This new iPhone. It’s making me feel so good. It’s rocking my freakin’ world! Mmm. Yeah. Just like that. So sleek. Oh yeah keep it going just like that. Mmmmm…mmmmm… yes!!! This feels so amazing! God! God yes! That camera! Aw yeah! I…

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New FDA Food Labels

May 20, 2016

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God: Actors Playing Family In Verizon Commercial Will Burn In Hell For Eternity

May 8, 2016

According to sources, a group of actors portraying a family in a Verizon commercial will be forced to live out their afterlife in the bowels of hell. “What have I done?!” asked Tommy Reynolds, who played a young tech-savvy son in the commercial before being sent to hell to suffer for eternity. “All I said…

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Report: Newly Discovered Coral Reef Already Destroyed

April 24, 2016

Scientists announced today that a newly discovered enormous coral reef has been destroyed due to pollution. The discovery comes less than a week after the 600-mile reef was discovered by researchers in the Amazon. Officials broke the news at a press conference this afternoon. “Yes, it is true, the reef is completely gone. As well…

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Editorial: If Donald Trump Becomes President, I’m Moving To Canada. And Becoming A Polygamist.

April 9, 2016

by Guy Chilano, Pasadena Wow. Seriously, America? We’re going to elect Donald Trump president? This is just wrong, people. Trump is a childish xenophobic psychotic who will push this country into warfare. He will destroy our economy and incur the wrath of enemies across the globe. That’s why when this horrible man becomes president, I’m…

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Travel: 37 Hours In Fresno, CA

February 28, 2016

By Nick Banning, Travel Correspondent FRIDAY 3:30 PM I’ve just arrived in Fresno. I check in at the Picadilly Inn Shaw (2305 West Shaw Avenue Fresno, CA 93711), a quaint spot with a pool and 9-hole putting green. In the lobby, I’m met by a local named Brett who asks if I want to buy some…

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Editorial: No, The Reason Bernie Sanders Isn’t Polling Well In South Carolina Has Nothing To Do With Race

February 22, 2016

by Elizabeth White, Sierra Madre No! No! The reason Bernie Sanders isn’t polling well in South Carolina is not because of the African-American vote. No. NO. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE! You are just so stupid and wrong about this. You are an ignorant moron. I hate you for being such an idiot!…

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Psychologists: Human Brain Was Not Designed To Handle This Many Emails

February 7, 2016

Speaking at a press conference at the 2016 Global Psychology Summit, a panel of experts warned that the human mind was not designed to handle the massive number of emails most people encounter on a daily basis. Dr. Lee Chopkra said multiple meta-analyses have proven that society has gone above the limit in the number…

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Editorial: I Am Not Your Monkey

February 2, 2016

by Pepe The Monkey To Whom It May Concern, I am not your monkey. Despite what you may have been told, I am not here to jump at your request. To do whatever you want as soon as you want it. To dance for money. I do not exist simply to do your bidding with…

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