Universe | The Pasadenoid

5 Tips To Improve Your Personal Brand

August 2, 2016

5. Forsake your individuality Being unique is great if you’re trying to be an interesting person, but if you want to whore out your personality to make money you need to stick to the popular trends. Versace? Yes. Love of opera? Goodbye! Opera is so last last century. Get with it. 4. Forsake God While…

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Editorial: The Speech I Would Have Given If Either Convention Accepted My Request

July 26, 2016

by Dean Lewis, Altadena Dear American People, Alright! It’s my turn now. Sit down Ted Cruz, we’ve all had enough of your sniveling. With your beady little eyes. That’s right, I said it. He has weird eyes. Oh don’t act so surprised everyone is thinking it. Now, this election has been a real shit show….

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Fashion: Hats A Fun Way To Accessorize Your Head

July 17, 2016

By Lisa Rogers, fashion critic You guys, it’s summer 2016! And if this summer has taught has anything…anything at all…it’s that hats are totally in! And they’re frickin’ cool! Hats are a fun and sexy way to make your head say things like ‘I love baseball!’ and ‘I’m a coal-miner!’ The brims of hats can…

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Investigation: I Took Psychedelic Drugs And Joined ISIS To Teach My Dad Why Black Lives Matter

July 14, 2016

by Dean Winthrop, Investigative Reporter What’s up squares? I address you informally because I’m a modern investigative reporter, meaning I like to party and be mellow and unprofessional about my job. I don’t really research things or write stuff down or any of that stuff. Anyway, when my dad told me something about Black Lives…

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Job Board: July

July 5, 2016

Coyote-Tamer Quick! We need someone to tame this coyote before it- oh no! Nevermind, It’s too late. Part-Time Job That Requires Massive Application Process Hello, we are a grocery store looking for a part-time bagger. Interested individuals should submit a resume, cover letter, employment history, and 3 professional references to be considered for the first…

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Travel: 37 Hours In Carlsbad, CA

June 28, 2016

By Nick Banning, Travel Correspondent FRIDAY 6:00 PM I’ve just arrived in Carlsbad after a breezy drive down the I-5. I enter the Cape Rey Carlsbad (1 Ponto Rd, Carlsbad, CA 92011) to find a gorgeous craftsman-inspired hotel with a pool and free breakfast. I’m looking forward to a relaxing weekend in this resort city! 8:30 PM…

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Editorial: I’ll Die Before I Let A Bear Eat Some Of The Snacks I Brought For This Camping Trip

June 26, 2016

by Keith Sharpe, Pasadena No. Oh hell no. It is not going down like this. You have got to be kidding me. This bear is going to stroll right up here and just take all of the food I prepared for this camping trip? This is some bullshit. I spent hours on these snacks. I…

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Trump Mixes Up His Name With Clinton’s In Latest Campaign Gaffe

June 9, 2016

In his latest embarrassing campaign goof, Donald Trump appeared to confuse his own name with Hillary Clinton’s during a speech in Grand Rapids, Iowa. “Clinton, she’s been having success for years. She’s created jobs for millions of Americans and is the only one who can make this country great like it used to be,” he…

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Real Radio Ad

June 3, 2016

[male] Hey Sue! [female] Hi there Jim! [male] What’s new? [female] I have exciting news! I recently decided to sell my soul in order to become a corporate shill for a company that sells vacuum cleaners! [male] What? [female] Yeah! I decided I don’t care about my life anymore and I will let a team…

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Weather: Go Outside You Idiot, It’s Serene

June 2, 2016

According to our weather experts at the Pasadenoid Meterology Center/Backgammon Anonymous Headquarters (5-7 on Tuesdays), it’s fucking blissful outside and you should go enjoy it rather than wallowing in your air-conditioned apartment and hating yourself. Our team of experts say you are an idiot for even thinking of staying indoors a minute longer. “Our research…

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