The Things You Learn When You Live In An Imaginary Universe You Designed To Escape Reality

September 20, 2016

4. Billy the Badger is NOT your friend! You might think that this little fluffball just wants to help you, but living in your fictitious reality has taught you he actually wants to harvest your organs and sell them to the Jackalope. 3. The Central Helix goes in multiple directions  The Central Helix, aka the…

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Romance Blog: How To Approach A Woman, Because They’re All Exactly The Same

September 18, 2016

by Dean Schnab, Romance Expert The dating world can be difficult, especially for people who have no social skills or are evil manipulative psychos (or both like me!). But have no fear. I’m here to offer some tips that will help any man or woman, no matter how freakish, approach a woman about going on a date:…

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Sources: Tim Kaine Scared Shitless By CIA Briefing

September 8, 2016

According to sources, vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine has appeared remarkably changed since his top-secret CIA briefing this morning, including looking more pale, frantic, and uneasy. “Apparently he was scared shitless,” said a member of his campaign staff. “He’s constantly sweating and his eyes are always darting back and forth. And sometimes he looks into…

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Report: It Only Wednesday

September 6, 2016

Following an exhaustive investigative report by our newspaper, The Pasadenoid has confirmed that it’s only Wednesday today. The report suggests  that even though this week is a shortened one due to the holiday on Monday, somehow only one work day has elapsed and there are still three workdays left to go this week. “Ah shit,” said…

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Editorial: I’ve Been Up All Night Smoking Crack And Playing Pokemon. Here Are My Thoughts On The European Banking Crisis.

August 18, 2016

By Jeb Smote, Monrovia Alright, so you got these guys in suits who are running money around all over the world. Smoking cigars, jumping through hoops like it’s the goddam Barnum and Bailey circus, you follow me here? Money to the left, money to the right, soon you’re giving out so much cash you can’t remember…

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SPONSORED: People Are Going CRAZY For This New Shampoo!

August 11, 2016

Wow! People around the globe are going ABSOLUTELY NUTS for this new shampoo from Revlon! It’s called the Turbo Hair Materializer 6 and everyone is going crazy for it! “AHHH! MY BRAIN! IT’S ROTTING MY BRAIN! AGHOGHDMNASTKG<SNSJ!” said Tracy Rogers of Hatsfield, Illinois after trying a free sample in one of our stores! The new…

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5 Tips To Improve Your Personal Brand

August 2, 2016

5. Forsake your individuality Being unique is great if you’re trying to be an interesting person, but if you want to whore out your personality to make money you need to stick to the popular trends. Versace? Yes. Love of opera? Goodbye! Opera is so last last century. Get with it. 4. Forsake God While…

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Editorial: The Speech I Would Have Given If Either Convention Accepted My Request

July 26, 2016

by Dean Lewis, Altadena Dear American People, Alright! It’s my turn now. Sit down Ted Cruz, we’ve all had enough of your sniveling. With your beady little eyes. That’s right, I said it. He has weird eyes. Oh don’t act so surprised everyone is thinking it. Now, this election has been a real shit show….

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Fashion: Hats A Fun Way To Accessorize Your Head

July 17, 2016

By Lisa Rogers, fashion critic You guys, it’s summer 2016! And if this summer has taught has anything…anything at all…it’s that hats are totally in! And they’re frickin’ cool! Hats are a fun and sexy way to make your head say things like ‘I love baseball!’ and ‘I’m a coal-miner!’ The brims of hats can…

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Investigation: I Took Psychedelic Drugs And Joined ISIS To Teach My Dad Why Black Lives Matter

July 14, 2016

by Dean Winthrop, Investigative Reporter What’s up squares? I address you informally because I’m a modern investigative reporter, meaning I like to party and be mellow and unprofessional about my job. I don’t really research things or write stuff down or any of that stuff. Anyway, when my dad told me something about Black Lives…

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