Jimmy Carter Announces He’s Ready To Die

October 30, 2016

In a candid interview with reporters from his home this afternoon, former U.S. President Jimmy Carter admitted he is pretty much ready to die. “I’ve lived a good life. But it’s really getting dragged out here at the end,” he told the media from his bedside. “I just keep checking my watch and waiting,” he…

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REVEALED: Secretary Ash Carter’s Main Job To Stand Around Looking Pissed

October 10, 2016

According to an exclusive investigation conducted by our newspaper, The Pasadenoid has found that Secretary Ash Carter knows nothing about the military and is merely a figure-head who must stand around looking pissed all the time. “The Secretary should maintain a strict demeanor of disgust or displeasure at all times,” reads Carter’s job description, according to documents…

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KING: Uh Oh I Pee-Peed In My Nice Pants

September 28, 2016

by Shane King, news colunmist Uh oh. I think…oh no. I went peepee in my pants. My nice fancy pants. The one mommy bought for me so I can look fancy at work. Ick, it’s all wet and warm. Ewwwww. I don’t like it. Mommy is gonna be mad at me. She is going to say,…

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Discussion Between Two People To Determine If World Blows Up

September 25, 2016

According to reports, a discussion between two humans this evening will determine whether the species is destroyed in a nuclear explosion or continues to exist. “I am very excited to debate Hillary Clinton tonight,” said one of the humans, evidently unaware of the enormous ramifications that such a conversation could have. “It’s going to be…

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The Things You Learn When You Live In An Imaginary Universe You Designed To Escape Reality

September 20, 2016

4. Billy the Badger is NOT your friend! You might think that this little fluffball just wants to help you, but living in your fictitious reality has taught you he actually wants to harvest your organs and sell them to the Jackalope. 3. The Central Helix goes in multiple directions  The Central Helix, aka the…

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Romance Blog: How To Approach A Woman, Because They’re All Exactly The Same

September 18, 2016

by Dean Schnab, Romance Expert The dating world can be difficult, especially for people who have no social skills or are evil manipulative psychos (or both like me!). But have no fear. I’m here to offer some tips that will help any man or woman, no matter how freakish, approach a woman about going on a date:…

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Sources: Tim Kaine Scared Shitless By CIA Briefing

September 8, 2016

According to sources, vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine has appeared remarkably changed since his top-secret CIA briefing this morning, including looking more pale, frantic, and uneasy. “Apparently he was scared shitless,” said a member of his campaign staff. “He’s constantly sweating and his eyes are always darting back and forth. And sometimes he looks into…

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Report: It Only Wednesday

September 6, 2016

Following an exhaustive investigative report by our newspaper, The Pasadenoid has confirmed that it’s only Wednesday today. The report suggests  that even though this week is a shortened one due to the holiday on Monday, somehow only one work day has elapsed and there are still three workdays left to go this week. “Ah shit,” said…

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Editorial: I’ve Been Up All Night Smoking Crack And Playing Pokemon. Here Are My Thoughts On The European Banking Crisis.

August 18, 2016

By Jeb Smote, Monrovia Alright, so you got these guys in suits who are running money around all over the world. Smoking cigars, jumping through hoops like it’s the goddam Barnum and Bailey circus, you follow me here? Money to the left, money to the right, soon you’re giving out so much cash you can’t remember…

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SPONSORED: People Are Going CRAZY For This New Shampoo!

August 11, 2016

Wow! People around the globe are going ABSOLUTELY NUTS for this new shampoo from Revlon! It’s called the Turbo Hair Materializer 6 and everyone is going crazy for it! “AHHH! MY BRAIN! IT’S ROTTING MY BRAIN! AGHOGHDMNASTKG<SNSJ!” said Tracy Rogers of Hatsfield, Illinois after trying a free sample in one of our stores! The new…

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