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Report: John McCain To Take Short Break From Stroking Chin And Muttering “This Is Troubling”

July 3, 2017

According to sources on John McCain’s staff, the Senator will take a short break this afternoon from stroking his chin and muttering “this is troubling.” “This is troubling,” he said when approached by The Pasadenoid for a comment. Several McCain staffers told our newspaper they are becoming concerned that the Senator is losing touch with…

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Leaked: The Comey Memos

June 4, 2017

The Pasadenoid has obtained leaked memos from Comey’s personal file on his dealings with Donald Trump. We chose to publish them in hopes it would make us rich:  1.12.07 Omg! Tonight was the most embarrassing night ever! So I had to go to this stupid White House thing, which I didn’t want to go to at…

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Editorial: I’m Back!

March 18, 2017

by Hillary Clinton Hey guys! Look over here! It’s me, Hillary Clinton! You know, that lady you all love!  I took some time off after a rough fall (which will not be discussed, ever), but now I’m feeling much cheerier and am ready to return to the limelight. Yes that’s right…I’m back! And I’m ready to fight. I…

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Editorial: I May Be Lying, But My Opinion Matters

February 12, 2017

by Stephen Miller, Trump Spokesperson Look guys. I get what you are all saying about the immigration issue. You make some very compelling arguments about why we shouldn’t ban a religious population from entering the USA. I understand your side of it. And the truth is, if I’m speaking honestly, I completely agree with you. Trump’s…

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Report: More Americans Yelling At Inanimate Objects

February 3, 2017

A report released eariler this week suggests that more Americans are taking out their frustrations on lifeless objects than ever before. “Fuck you, chair!” said Leslie Jones of Altadena after stubbing her toe on the object. Researchers point to increased stress, anxiety, and annoying technologies that talk to you as possible causes of the phenomenon….

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Local War Hero Demands Answers To Why His Omelette Is Taking So Long

January 15, 2017

According to staff and patrons at the Denny’s on Colorado Blvd., local war hero Dale Roberts is standing up to demand answers to why his breakfast has taken over seven minutes to arrive. “Everyday I come here at 6:30 am and order an omelette. And most days, it doesn’t take nearly this long,” announced the decorated veteran…

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Editorial: We Can Call It TrumpCare, Can I Just Not Die From Leukemia?

January 15, 2017

by Rebecca Donaldson, Pasadena Look guys, I’ll be honest. I know Obamacare has a lot of critics. And I know there is a strong political component to this debate. But can we just change the name to Trumpcare and be done with it? I’m really trying to not die from Leukemia here. I get it….

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STUDY: The People Who Funded This Study Did A Damn Fine Job Of It

December 12, 2016

According to a new study out of University of East Kansas College, the private funders of a new health study did a fine job lining the researchers’ pockets with cash. “Our analysis indicates this anonymous corporation did indeed send us a wheelbarrow filled with cash,” said Professor Richard Williams, who headed the study. Williams and…

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OUTRAGEOUS: In Your Face Headline Beats The Shit Out Of Your Brain

November 28, 2016

In an absolutely OUTRAGEOUS and SHOCKING maneuver by this magazine, we have decided to SCREAM AT YOU in order to get your attention so you’ll visit our website. Yes, it is an act that SHOULD BE CRIMINAL. But it’s not. So here we are, YELLING IN YOUR FACE, battering your brain like a punching bag,…

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Study Finds Link Between Mania, Defecating With A Hat On

November 6, 2016

A new study out of Northern Illinois University of Wisconsin suggests a possible link between psychosis and defecating with a unique hat on. Specifically, the study found that participants who defecate with a hat on are 18% more likely to experience symptoms of “mania”, a condition which details having a highly elevated mood. “Our study…

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