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Local War Hero Demands Answers To Why His Omelette Is Taking So Long

January 15, 2017

According to staff and patrons at the Denny’s on Colorado Blvd., local war hero Dale Roberts is standing up to demand answers to why his breakfast has taken over seven minutes to arrive. “Everyday I come here at 6:30 am and order an omelette. And most days, it doesn’t take nearly this long,” announced the decorated veteran…

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Editorial: We Can Call It TrumpCare, Can I Just Not Die From Leukemia?

January 15, 2017

by Rebecca Donaldson, Pasadena Look guys, I’ll be honest. I know Obamacare has a lot of critics. And I know there is a strong political component to this debate. But can we just change the name to Trumpcare and be done with it? I’m really trying to not die from Leukemia here. I get it….

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STUDY: The People Who Funded This Study Did A Damn Fine Job Of It

December 12, 2016

According to a new study out of University of East Kansas College, the private funders of a new health study did a fine job lining the researchers’ pockets with cash. “Our analysis indicates this anonymous corporation did indeed send us a wheelbarrow filled with cash,” said Professor Richard Williams, who headed the study. Williams and…

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OUTRAGEOUS: In Your Face Headline Beats The Shit Out Of Your Brain

November 28, 2016

In an absolutely OUTRAGEOUS and SHOCKING maneuver by this magazine, we have decided to SCREAM AT YOU in order to get your attention so you’ll visit our website. Yes, it is an act that SHOULD BE CRIMINAL. But it’s not. So here we are, YELLING IN YOUR FACE, battering your brain like a punching bag,…

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Study Finds Link Between Mania, Defecating With A Hat On

November 6, 2016

A new study out of Northern Illinois University of Wisconsin suggests a possible link between psychosis and defecating with a unique hat on. Specifically, the study found that participants who defecate with a hat on are 18% more likely to experience symptoms of “mania”, a condition which details having a highly elevated mood. “Our study…

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Jimmy Carter Announces He’s Ready To Die

October 30, 2016

In a candid interview with reporters from his home this afternoon, former U.S. President Jimmy Carter admitted he is pretty much ready to die. “I’ve lived a good life. But it’s really getting dragged out here at the end,” he told the media from his bedside. “I just keep checking my watch and waiting,” he…

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REVEALED: Secretary Ash Carter’s Main Job To Stand Around Looking Pissed

October 10, 2016

According to an exclusive investigation conducted by our newspaper, The Pasadenoid has found that Secretary Ash Carter knows nothing about the military and is merely a figure-head who must stand around looking pissed all the time. “The Secretary should maintain a strict demeanor of disgust or displeasure at all times,” reads Carter’s job description, according to documents…

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KING: Uh Oh I Pee-Peed In My Nice Pants

September 28, 2016

by Shane King, news colunmist Uh oh. I think…oh no. I went peepee in my pants. My nice fancy pants. The one mommy bought for me so I can look fancy at work. Ick, it’s all wet and warm. Ewwwww. I don’t like it. Mommy is gonna be mad at me. She is going to say,…

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Discussion Between Two People To Determine If World Blows Up

September 25, 2016

According to reports, a discussion between two humans this evening will determine whether the species is destroyed in a nuclear explosion or continues to exist. “I am very excited to debate Hillary Clinton tonight,” said one of the humans, evidently unaware of the enormous ramifications that such a conversation could have. “It’s going to be…

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The Things You Learn When You Live In An Imaginary Universe You Designed To Escape Reality

September 20, 2016

4. Billy the Badger is NOT your friend! You might think that this little fluffball just wants to help you, but living in your fictitious reality has taught you he actually wants to harvest your organs and sell them to the Jackalope. 3. The Central Helix goes in multiple directions  The Central Helix, aka the…

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