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Make-A-Wish Conducting Military Exercises Under Orders From Evil Little Girl With Melanoma

July 5, 2015

The Pasadenoid has confirmed that the Make-A-Wish foundation is conducting military exercises in the Mojave desert under the orders of a wicked and terminally ill toddler. Reports suggest the foundation is acting under the direction of Tamara Hoffman, 9, of Santa Fe, New Mexico. Hoffman has a severe form of melanoma and was selected by the…

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Hundreds of Child Slave Laborers Freed From Salon.com Content Factory

July 3, 2015

The FBI raided Salon.com headquarters Friday morning, liberating hundreds of unpaid foreign-born slave children who were forced to write mindless thinkpieces for Salon.com’s content factory. The stunning and heartbreaking scene was mitigated only by the joy of the small children finally released after years of taking annoying contrarian views against their will in predictable stream-of-consciousness posts…

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Tips For A Belligerently American July 4th Celebration

July 2, 2015

5. Remember the 4 B’s: Booze, Beach, Beer, Brews These four items are the foundation to a magical and patriotic 4th of July. Without them you might as well be celebrating at an ISIS recruitment center. Always remember to pack extra beer in case you forget how much you’ve drunken already. 4. Don’t let anyone tell…

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When The Supreme Court Legalized Gay Marriage, This Priest Did Something Amazing

June 30, 2015

Following the monumental decision by the Supreme Court to allow gays the right to marry in any U.S. State, you might expect leaders in the Christian faith to break out their usual arguments about the bible and traditional families. But that is not the case for Jeffrey Probst, high priest at Church of The Seven…

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Klan Unveils Hip “This Is What a White Supremacist Looks Like” Campaign

June 25, 2015

Fighting a backlash against overt racism and terroristic conspiracy-oriented racial hatemongering, the Ku Klux Klan revealed a new tshirt campaign today with the slogan “This Is What A White Supremacist Looks Like.” Klan spokesman Duke Jones said that the campaign is an effort to show people the vast diversity of the white supremacy subculture. “We…

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Editorial: If God Believes In Climate Change, Well, Maybe It’s Time To Not Believe In God

June 19, 2015

by Ned Campbell, local congressman The Catholic Church has done wonderful things for our society and the conservative movement. They’ve brought important ethics into our communities like love, tolerance, sexual obligations, and a strong distrust of anyone who is different from us. But now that the Pope is coming out declaring climate change is a significant…

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Four Reasons NEVER To Hire An Introvert

June 17, 2015

Introverts. Are. The. Worst. By Tobias Maynesbury, author of Why Introverts Will Fuck Your Wife 1)   Introverts are terrible at socializing. Socializing is important in a work place. Small talk is crucial for forming bonds with coworkers and navigating office politics. Why not hire an extrovert! Extroverts get it. 2)   Introverts are cowardly. Some people…

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League Of Racist Firefighters Demands More Attention To Their Cause

June 10, 2015

Leaders from the League Of Racist Firefighters And Other Intolerant Emergency Responders (LORFAOIER) have come out to demand more national attention to their cause. They say recent focus on racism within police forces have distracted the public from noticing their own transgressions. “Every day, firefighters, EMS workers, dispatch operators, and paramedics are regularly engaged in horrible, intolerant…

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Man Who Photographed Himself Every Day For 20 Years – “Stop Writing Articles About Me”

June 9, 2015

The star of a viral video who took a photo of himself every day for 20 years has asked that reporters stop writing articles on the subject. John Hayden Tuttle, who took the photos of himself and uploaded a time-lapse video to Youtube, says he had no idea the video would go viral. “I did…

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New Study Unable To Show Link Between Eating Squid And Intelligence

June 9, 2015

According to scientists at Louisiana State University, a groundbreaking study failed to show a link between eating squid and higher intelligence because of issues with the study’s design and execution. Larry Davies, a professor of health sciences at the university, says the study could have had impressive results. “This study, which we thought would be…

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