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SPONSORED: Nation Joins Together In Unity To Demand Stylish Toothbrush That Won’t Stretch Their Budgets

May 24, 2015

According to sources*, the American public has finally joined hands in harmonious unity, passion, and love over the demand for a stylish toothbrush that doesn’t stretch their budget. The revelation comes on the heels of increased concern over not looking and feeling fantastic and fresh after brushing. “My life would be complete if I had…

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Crime

May 22, 2015

David O’Connell was arrested this afternoon in Pasadena for stealing young women’s hearts. The women are biologists at Pasadena City College and were using the hearts for a study on diabetes and cardiovascular health.

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Cal Tech President- Noises And Shaking Coming From Secret Underground Lab Nothing To Worry About

May 20, 2015

The President of California Technical Institute issued a letter to concerned citizens after numerous rumbling noises and shaking have been reported coming from a secretive underground lab on the campus. “We can assure you, the public has nothing to worry about. We are doing sound science in order to progress mankind,” he wrote in the…

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Editorial: Technological Progress Has Improved My Life In A Number Of Ways

May 18, 2015

By Elisa Johnson, Pasadena We live in an amazing age! Advances in science and technology are having astounding effects on the way people like us go about our daily lives! For me, technological progress has improved my life in a number of ways. For one, I don’t have to work as hard. Well, actually, I…

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Prisoners Learning

I teach at a 4-year college. But my best students are inmates. Because the college students I teach are really fucking dumb.

April 23, 2015

By Dr. Zed Mooston For the past eight semesters, before I enter one of my classrooms, I receive a full-body search. The classroom’s walls are made of concrete and the students wear orange jumpsuits rather than Pink Floyd and Polo T-shirts. I teach “Social Implications Of Otherness” at San Quentin State Penitentiary. And, each year,…

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Report: Unclear Whether Neighbors Practicing Play Or Engaging In Deranged Cult Ritual

April 20, 2015

According to various neighbors, members of a household on the 400 block of Orange Grove Boulevard are either rehearsing a play or engaging in some sort of twisted cult ritual this afternoon. Roy Hendley, who lives next door, says he has heard dark and ominous discussions coming from the house for the last hour. “They…

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Liberal Internet Mounts Surprise Attack on Iggy Azalea

December 23, 2014

In a surprise offensive on a strategic Pop Culture stronghold, the Liberal Internet commanded its troops Monday morning into an attack designed to topple Iggy Azalea. The full-scale blitz included social media scatter bombings, a twitter ground-raid, and snarky and faux-intellectual blog post bombardments According to analysts, the singer represents a tactical base that could…

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JUDAH!!!

Opinion: Left-Wing Regulation Caused The Chanukah Oil Shortage

December 16, 2014

By John Bassinger Greenleaf, Altadena  Kids,  I’m going to tell you the story of Chanukah. This isn’t the Chanukah story you hear at your Reconstructionist Synagogue. And it’s certainly not the same one you’ll get from the left-wing media or that communist who calls himself my sister’s husband. This is the story of what the Maccabees did…

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#TBT Historical Clickbait: Why Carrie Nation’s Saloon-smashing Hatchet Rampage is Bad for Women. And Temperance.

December 7, 2014

From a July, 1900 issue of the Pasadenoid. Why we can support Carrie and the temperance movement without supporting her actions Carrie Nation has inspired millions of temperance supporters by traveling throughout the country and smashing saloons with a hatchet. She’s been cheered as a ‘feminist’ who’s ‘doing the good lord’s work.’ And I do…

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October 14, 2014

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