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Job Board: December

December 14, 2015

Mole-Tickler We are a university laboratory studying the effects of laughter on moles. The ideal tickler will be able to use a comically-sized pink feather to tickle our laboratory moles upon command. Experience required. Jimmy Kimmel Look-A-Like Group looking for candidate with identical appearance to Jimmy Kimmel. Must not ask questions. Must be comfortable with fluid…

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Blah Blah Blah Some Fuckin’ Shit

November 11, 2015

Blah blah blah some bullshit yada yada social media blah blah “outrage” blah blah blah Blah yada yada same old shit…yada yada running out of energy….blah some campaign for a cause yada blah overwhelming sensory overload. Blogs and vlogs and a vine of dog going to vet….blah blah blah corporate viral shit blah some celebrity not…

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Why are college students protesting? This man wrote a thinkpiece.

November 10, 2015

Across the country, students are rising in protest against their administrations. The whole thing seems strange to me. When I was in college, it was the best four years of my life. I made great friends, pursued an intellectual and spiritual journey, and of course went to some sweet keggers. What was there to protest? High…

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Editorial: I Am A Heptapus. This Is My Story.

October 18, 2015

by Oliver Stantz, Heptapus Hello. My name is Oliver and I am a heptapus. Yes, that’s right, I am an octopus with only seven tentacles. You may not have heard of a heptapus before, but although we are rare there are many of us out there. Some of us were born with seven tentacles, others…

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Man, It Sure Is Fun Pretending To Be All These Different Kinds Of People!

October 8, 2015

by God Whoopee! Well, I gotta tell you I’m having a blast today being God and being able to experience everything in the universe at once. Including experiencing what it’s like to be every person in the world. First I was this baker guy in France. I rode my bike to work, and baked a…

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Excerpt: Lewinsky by Gore Vidal

September 29, 2015

By Gore Vidal Monica stared at her blue dress, frozen, undecided on what to do with it. She picked it up and folded it, placing the dress next to her collection of college books, including The Scarlet Letter. She could still see the president’s come stain, which formed a blotch that looked like Hester Pryn’s…

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Talking Head Seriously Injured After Being Crushed By Graphic

September 16, 2015

A talking head on an Australian morning show was hospitalized in serious condition after she was crushed by a piece of a graphics box that fell onto her head. Hallie Shelbert was discussing her position on robin eggs when a segment of the rectangle graphic surrounding her broke off and crushed her skull. Paramedics quickly…

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Council Passes Cultural Appropriation Bill

September 13, 2015

Pasadena council reached a deal last night to pass a 2.5 million dollar appropriations package dedicated to cultural appropriation, including blackface jazz singer events, an Iggy Azalea concert, and 1000 of those weird sideburns that those Jews wear to give out to school children. “We’d heard that cultural appropriations was really important for cities. So…

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Man Accused Of Poisoning Banker Says He’s Innocent Of That But Has Done Far Worse Things

September 12, 2015

A man accused in the poison death of local banker Stephen Thompson says he’s innocent of the crime, while acknowledging he has committed other atrocities that may be more horrible in scope. “No, no, I didn’t commit that murder,” he told police in a recording released to the public. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve committed crimes….

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#TBT Study: Being Chased By Predators Leads To Stress, Early Death

September 6, 2015

A new study conducted by Zkhogha over in Cave 3 appears to show that running for your life from a predator can lead to negative health consequences like stress and early death. In particular, the study found that the more time a person spends desperately fleeing from a creature that wants to eat them, the more…

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