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Review: ‘Buffet’ Is Not An Actual Buffet. Can We Stop This Madness Please?

March 28, 2016

At the new pop-up on Washington and Argo, you might expect a smorgasbord of options for a fixed price. You might think you can walk down lines and put food on your plate, then return to the bar to get more. That’s because the name of the restaurant is ‘Buffet.’ But ‘Buffet’ is not your…

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Unclear Whether Local Barbershop Gentrified Or Not

March 25, 2016

Reports from locals suggest it is unclear whether ‘Izzy’s Barbershop’ on El Molino Ave has been gentrified by wealthy hipsters or not. “They have one of those spinning poles and those old-timey chairs…and everyone in the place was drinking. So I figured it was one of those new hipster barbershops,” said local Rebecca Green. “But…

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Editorial: If The Ocean Is Running Out Of Fish Why Do I Keep Finding Ones To Shoot From My Boat?

March 21, 2016

by Dale Brunard, Altadena I’ve got a question for you. Everyone keeps saying ‘marine life is dying’, thanks to over-fishing and pollution. Some estimates show that nearly half of the world’s ocean wildlife have died out in the modern era. So if that’s true, can I ask you all why I keep finding fish to…

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Editorial: If Jesus Loves Me Why Do I Keep Finding Images Of Ganesh In Objects?

March 6, 2016

by Betsy Clark, Altadena Ok, I’m confused. I’ve been a member of the Catholic Church for my entire existence. I’ve studied the bible, gone to Church every Sunday, and fully accepted Jesus Christ as my one true Lord and Savior. So can anyone tell me why I keep finding images of Ganesh in everyday objects?…

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“Good Samaritan” Actually Total Dipshit

February 13, 2016

According to sources close to the matter, a local man who authorities say called 911 when he witnessed a car collision on the 91 freeway is a total jerk. “We’re gonna call the guy who punched me to get ahead in line at Arby’s a ‘Good Samaritan’? Oh hell no,” said local accountant Lisa Davis….

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Editorial: Stop Asking Questions And Eat The Damn Stuff

February 12, 2016

by Hugh Grant, CEO of Monsanto Alright, people. Let’s quit it with all the questions. The unending criticism. The “investigations” and “scientific studies.” The slander against Monsanto and the wonderful Food © they provide needs to stop at this moment.  Instead, you all just need to eat the damn stuff. Let’s be honest. You don’t really care about…

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Job Board: February

February 5, 2016

Shitty-Paying Entry Level Job That Requires Experience And A College Degree We are a large corporation who excels at dashing the hopes and dreams of America’s youngest working generation. This job pays $10/hr and will require three rounds of interviews. Writers And Actors For Super Bowl Commercial We here at Gillette completely forgot we bought…

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Radical Lifestyle Change Required For Man Too Cook Meal For Himself Tonight

January 24, 2016

Sources have confirmed to The Pasadenoid that it would take a massive overhaul of local resident Jim Kreiger’s lifestyle in order for him to cook a meal for himself tonight. Kreiger’s family and friends say it would not be as simple as Jim going to the grocery store and getting ingredients to follow a simple recipe….

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5 Tips For A Perfect New Year’s Eve

December 28, 2015

5. Stand out in the cold waiting in line to go to a bar There’s no better way to send off 2015 than by freezing your ass off in the bitter cold outside of a bar. Because if there was, why are there so many people in line at this bar? 4. Keep telling everyone how…

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Editorial: Can You People Please Stop Leaving Your Kids Unattended In The Backseat Of Your Car With The Keys In The Ignition?

December 14, 2015

by Jake Phillips, Carjacker Dear Townspeople, I’ve been carjacking in this city for a number of years now. Maybe I’m just upset because I’ve been on an unlucky streak lately, but I was wondering if I could ask you a favor: Can you folks please stop leaving your children in the backseat of your car…

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