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Local Prophet Also Conspiracy Theorist

June 30, 2014

Outside Pasadena’s country store, a homeless man with white curly hair who local residents call Two Dollar Tojo waits for customers. For just eight quarters, Tojo can provide you with a glimpse of your future. According to residents and Tojo himself, God has provided him with the ability to foretell residents’ futures. “I asked him…

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Mayor Robert Sanchez Overheard Pledging To “Jam ‘Puppy Bill’” Down Council’s “Motherfucking Throats”

June 23, 2014

Mayor Robert Sanchez was overheard yesterday afternoon in a microphone gaffe pledging tough measures to pass a bill that would make July 17 “Puppies are Cute Day.” “I’ll jam it down their motherfucking throats,” said Sanchez. “This is getting passed or every single one of those cocksuckers is gonna be in the doghouse bigtime come…

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Editorial: What a Grown Man Does in the Privacy of His Sesame Street Kiddie Pool is None of Your Goddamn Business

June 16, 2014

It could be argued that property has been the source of all of mankind’s greatest struggles, dating as far back as Cain and Abel, and who knows, perhaps even further than that. In fact, this great country was founded on the principle that every man had the right to private property. SO DON’T YOU FUCKING…

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Guess Who Just Did A Mothafucking Handstand?

June 11, 2014

Awwwww shit! You bitches see that? Did ANY of you mothafucking bitches see that? Shut it down. Just shut it down. Wrap it up because this shit is over. It’s over. I just changed the game. I just did a mothafucking handstand. Y’all scared? Y’all look shook, Gymboree of South Pasadena. And with good fuckin’…

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Editorial: The Second Ammendment Ought to Apply to Portable Cattle Prods

June 4, 2014

The 2nd Amendment codified the right of citizens to protect their life, liberty, and property. And yet, I have repeatedly been rebuked for attempting to carry a portable electric cattle prod in my hometown of Pasadena.

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Strobing Billboards Are a Bit Much, Says Man in Ditch

May 29, 2014

I hope that this letter doesn’t inconvenience you.

Driving is a dangerous proposition these days. Last year, more than 30,000 people died in vehicle-related accidents.

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Editorial: Let’s Make This Town So Weird We All Agree We Took It Too Far

May 27, 2014

by Jake Sanford, Pasadena You know, I can’t help notice that other cities like Portland and Austin are some of the fastest growing cities in the nation. Why isn’t Pasadena on such a list? We’ve got a good thing going here, so what are we missing? After further investigation, I’ve discovered that these cities are…

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Top 8 Places in Pasadena for a Good Cry

May 14, 2014

8. Granny’s Old Fashioned Pie Shop: Poor Granny just doesn’t have the energy for this anymore. Your ducts will be  glistening as you watch her struggle to get up from her chair to take take your order, and stumble and curse to herself as she prepares it. Be careful though; you might end up bawling…

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Spotlight: Why I Stuck That Parking Ticket Where I Did

May 12, 2014

By Richard Sampson, Pasadena  In life, there are some decisions that have a significant weight to them. They are not of the type you make every day, like choosing a dressing for your salad or a beet sauce for your fried okra. Some decisions are more meaningful and have far-reaching consequences that can follow you…

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