ISIS Vows To Destroy Michael Keaton For Disobeying Sharia Law

August 10, 2015

In a newly released video, a representative from ISIS announced the group’s intention to destroy actor/producer Michael Keaton for his failure to obey the holy Sharia Law. “Through his lifetime, Michael Keaton has failed at every instance to practice Islam in the Sharia tradition,” said Abdul Malehi in the video. “In fact, Michael has not…

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Tips For A Belligerently American July 4th Celebration

July 2, 2015

5. Remember the 4 B’s: Booze, Beach, Beer, Brews These four items are the foundation to a magical and patriotic 4th of July. Without them you might as well be celebrating at an ISIS recruitment center. Always remember to pack extra beer in case you forget how much you’ve drunken already. 4. Don’t let anyone tell…

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Local Man’s Art To Be Displayed In Dumpster Outside Of His House

June 28, 2015

According to various reports, a new art collection from local painter Jeffrey Williams will be featured in a dumpster outside of his house. The exhibit will include still lifes, portraits, and impressionist landscapes. Williams says he has been working on his pieces for several months now. “Though my job as an accountant pays the bills,…

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4 Exercises You HAVE To Try Or Else You’ll Die

June 16, 2015

4. Breathing Breathing is one of the most popular exercises IN THE WORLD! Inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide helps your body pump blood to your heart and prevent you from dying. 3. Eating Ingesting food is a very important exercise which allows your body to use energy and not wither away and die. Eating…

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Report: Writer’s Minimum Wage To Triple To $0 Per Hour

May 26, 2015

According to several reports, the U.S. Congress voted to raise the minimum wage for writers across the nation by a whopping 300% on Tuesday. The ruling means that anyone who works as a writer for a commercial magazine, newspaper, blog, or similar platform must be paid at least $0 per hour for their work. “We found in the…

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Review: Couple Fighting Next Door

April 28, 2015

By Bert Jones, culture critic I have been regularly tuning into Couple Fighting Next Door since that Czech accountant and his wife moved into the bungalow next to mine three years ago. And while the quality and originality of this content has dipped over the years, I still find myself unable to tune it out when…

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Taylor Swift Issues Report on CIA Torchyuh

January 2, 2015

In a shocking 15-track report on CIA torchyuh programs under the Bush administration, pop artist Taylor Swift detailed behavior performed by CIA agents that caused excruciating emotional pain to detainees. According to the TSwift Report, the CIA repeatedly flirted with detainees’ best friends in front of them and waited hours to answer a text message…

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Sony Completes Pre-Production of “Our Dear Leader”

December 18, 2014

Representatives at Sony announced today that the company has completed pre-production of a new film based on the life of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Tentatively titled, ‘Our Dear Leader’, the film will reportedly follow the young dictator’s “glorious” rise to presiding over “the most successful and wealthy society in human history” according to the…

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Robert Caro

Robert Caro Admits To Fabricating Lyndon Johnson Biographies

December 9, 2014

Robert Caro, the now-embattled author of an epic 4-part biography hailed as the seminal account of Lyndon Johnson’s life, admitted to outright fabrications in a blog post published today that shocked fans of his works. The revelation followed a Vanity Fair report revealing deep discrepancies in the book, which spurred a public outcry regarding the…

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