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SPONSORED: I Lost 70 Pounds In 20 MINUTES By Stuffing These Rare Berries In My Face

February 26, 2016

Folks, I* am just dying to tell you about a revolutionary new weight-loss tool that helped me lose 70 pounds in a matter of minutes. That’s right. SEVENTY POUNDS! I used to eat things like gluten, dairy, meat, fruit, and vegetables. I used to hate my body and feel shameful because I was so ugly….

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EXCLUSIVE: Acclaimed Local Chef Just Puts A Shitload of Cilantro On Everything

January 29, 2016

According to an investigation conducted by The Pasadenoid, acclaimed local chef Benny Wallace is a fraud who flavors all of his dishes by dumping a shit-ton of cilantro on them. Our newspaper sent an undercover reporter to take a job as a chef’s assistant at Benny’s Place on East Colorado. Through several months of careful…

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Daniel Day-Lewis To Star In ‘Gremlins’ Remake

January 6, 2016

Sources inside the film industry have confirmed that Daniel Day-Lewis will star in Warner Bros’ upcoming remake of the 1984 cult classic Gremlins. According to sources involved in the film’s production, Lewis will star as a lonely homeless drunk who has given up on reconnecting with his family. That is, until he meets and befriends…

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217,936 Shows To Watch In 2016

December 23, 2015

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Girls Game OF Thrones Man Men Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt The Americans Better Call Saul Justified Master Of None Parks And Recreation The Simpsons Orange Is The New Black Veep Silicon Valley Bojack Horseman NCIS Supernatural Narcos Family Guy Bob’s Burgers Nathan For You The Daily Show The Big Bang Theory…

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Review: I Spy Too Many Eyes In ‘The Force Awakens’

December 22, 2015

by Bert Jones, culture critic With all the hype surrounding the premiere of the new Star Wars film, I was worried the quality wouldn’t live up to the promotion. I was sure like everyone else I would find some small insignificant detail to blow out of proportion and completely bias my perspective on the film. This…

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Review: ‘Linda Vista High School’ Is Either A Brilliant Art Installation Or A Regular High School

October 12, 2015

by Bert Jones, culture critic This weekend I got lost on a walk and ended up on the ‘campus’ of ‘Linda Vista High School’ in Pasadena. What I saw there was either a brilliant commentary on modern American life or a public high school. ‘Linda Vista High School’ is incredibly detailed and immersive. There are…

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Hipster Bar Inside Of Live Whale Abdomen “A Bit Much”, Say Patrons

September 15, 2015

A new local hipster hotspot off the coast of La Jolla is getting a strong reaction from locals. Called “Dive”, the bar is the first of its kind to be set inside of a live whale’s abdomen. “I enjoy bars in obscure places like old factories and hair salons, but this seems a bit overboard,” said Rebecca…

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Review: Straight Outta Compton

August 23, 2015

By Bert Jones, culture critic This past weekend, I had the opportunity to see Straight Outta Compton for the first time. While the quality of the film can be debated, there is no doubt this movie will shock and surprise audiences from the opening credits to the finale. When I walked into theater 4A, I…

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Jackass To Star In Local Production Of ‘My Fair Lady’

August 17, 2015

According to various reports, local jackass Evan Thompson will play a featured role in the Pasadena Players’ upcoming production of My Fair Lady. Thompson, who is the son of wealthy entrepreneur S. S. Thompson (and Evan clarifies, while there is considerable debate over whether he is or is not a boat, at this point he can…

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ISIS Vows To Destroy Michael Keaton For Disobeying Sharia Law

August 10, 2015

In a newly released video, a representative from ISIS announced the group’s intention to destroy actor/producer Michael Keaton for his failure to obey the holy Sharia Law. “Through his lifetime, Michael Keaton has failed at every instance to practice Islam in the Sharia tradition,” said Abdul Malehi in the video. “In fact, Michael has not…

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