Divorce

May 20, 2014

Jennifer and Nathaniel Power are sad to announce that, despite eight years of marital bliss, they will be splitting up. They have been married for 24 years.

In Memoriam

May 17, 2014

George McMann died tuesday of a broken heart after his wife left him and, more specifically, he suffered a heart attack.

Public Service Announcement

May 16, 2014

To people named ‘Craig’: Betty’s Souvenir Shop on Walnut and Colorado has recently acquired license plate key chains with your name on it.

Crime

May 16, 2014

Lt. James Sanders says city police are investigating an unspeakable incident at the Pasadena School for the Mute.

In Memoriam

May 15, 2014

Randy Reeves, of Altadena, passed away yesterday after his horse Clyde poisoned his tofurkey burger with pesticide. He is survived by his daughter Sandra, who plans to marry Clyde and take over the family ranch.

Crime

May 13, 2014

Timmy Jefferson, closer for the Pasadena Bears, our premiere little league squad, robbed Pasadena of its dignity yesterday when he gave up a three-run homer in the ninth inning to a boy who looked like he had sickle cell anemia.

In Memoriam

May 13, 2014

Marco Lopez, of East Pasadena, passed away yesterday after slipping on a skateboard, falling into a manhole, being carried away by the tide of sewage to an underground vagrant community, becoming a rebel leader against the existing Sewer King, assuming the role of New Leader of the Sewer Republic, and choking on a piece of…

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Public Service Announcement

May 11, 2014

PSA to dogwalkers: if you have a dog, please be responsible. When you take him or her for a walk, either bring a bag or wait until you are back in the house so that you can poop in a toilet.