Crime

October 19, 2017

Police are on the lookout for a missing laptop after someone sto- never mind here it is.

job board

Job Board – January

January 14, 2016

Barista Turned Fast Food Drive-Thru Attendant We are a competitor to Starbucks, seeking baristas who have been humiliated during a transition to smaller stores and forced to work at the drive-thru window. The best applicants have had their soul dragged out by management onto the kitchen floor and stomped on vigorously. Regular drive-thru attendants need…

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Crime

August 14, 2015

Officer Lee Jones of the Pasadena Police Department will be investigated for Tuesday’s nonfatal shooting of resident Silvio Lopez, even though Jones claims Mexicans are his “third-favorite race”.

meditation_walking

PSA: Shame Parade

June 18, 2015

The annual Pasadena-Area Shame Parade will be held this weekend at an undisclosed time and location. Event organizers say all residents who feel unworthy in the eyes of others are invited to walk in humility together at the event.    

Marriage

May 27, 2015

According to friends and relatives, locals Cedric and Lisa Patterson will hold a ceremony to renew their vows, and are somehow under the impression other people will help pay for it.

Crime

May 22, 2015

David O’Connell was arrested this afternoon in Pasadena for stealing young women’s hearts. The women are biologists at Pasadena City College and were using the hearts for a study on diabetes and cardiovascular health.

PSA: Scheduling Error

May 6, 2015

Due to a calendar error from several years ago, the Pasadena Pumpkin and Apple-Picking Festival will be held this weekend. The Halloween parade will be on Tuesday.

Marriage

April 27, 2015

Ron Hastings has announced his marriage to longtime girlfriend Roberta Lopez after she hit him with the old “People-who-want-to-grow-some-balls-and-marry-the-love-of-their-life-instead-of-being-an-indecisive-jackass-say-what?”

Crime

April 21, 2015

Cedric Offerman was arrested in east Pasadena this afternoon for not doing and saying exactly what a police officer wanted him to do and say.

Crime Log

January 1, 2015

Pasadena Police are warning residents that a 57-year old man wearing only a diaper is telling people he is Baby New Year. He is not Baby New Year. Police do not recommend blowing on his tummy like he is asking people to do. 58-year-old resident Robert Samm is the real Baby New Year. Police say residents…

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