(ad)Vice Column

girl-2211717_640 (1)

May 6, 2016 - Local

by Ethan Schillinger, town drunk/columnist 

To My Pasadenoid Readers:

There’s been some confusion lately about my role at this paper. I am a Vice Columnist. Please message me for vice. If you would like advice, you should message our Advice Columnist Sadie Mooston.

Now without further ado, let us begin this column. Thank you.

……………………………….

Dear Ethan,

My brother is doing cocaine almost every day and it’s affecting his marriage and job. How do I get him to realize he has a problem and go to rehab? – AJL

YOU SHOULD DO BUMPS WITH HIM STRAIGHT UP THE NOSTRIL!!!

…………………………………

Dear Ethan,

I heard my teenage step-daughter tell her friend she is attracted to me. Now I am attracted to her too. How do I stop this temptation from ruining my life? – MTB

YOU SHOULD FUCK YOUR TEENAGE STEPDAUGHTER!!!

…………………………………

Dear Ethan,

My husband was always conservative but now he’s become addicted to Sean Hannity. He makes awkward small talk to neighbors about building a wall, teaches our children racism, and babbles on about kooky conspiracies. What do I do?

YOU SHOULD VOTE REPUBLICAN!!!

……………………………………

It’s been another wonderful column. Thank you, readers.

Yours,

Ethan Schillinger