10 Things You Never Expected The Pope To Say


July 15, 2015 - Universe


1) “1, 2, 10 Gods. Who cares?! The more the merrier!”

Uh, is there any doubt that this is the funnest pope ever? He should be called “Pope Funcis II.”


2) “God Damn It! Jesus Christ! These are great ways to express yourself.”

Man, the pope gets me. Just because I use the Lord’s name for a little triviality doesn’t mean I don’t value my Catholicism.


3) “If you miss a Sabbath from time to time, like whatever. It’ Sunday. There’s football to watch.”



4) “Listen, not everyone has good parents and, if your parents are abusive or hard on you or just have expectations you don’t feel you can meet, you don’t have to listen to them all the time. That’s not wrong. It’s part of being an adult.”

Not only does he get fun, he’s also super sensitive to good family relationships.


5) “Everyone murders sometimes. Try to murder child molesters and not children, though. And, if you do murder a child, at least go to confession. It doesn’t take that much time.”

Finally, a pope who understands thou can kill a little and not go to hell.


6) “If you’re in a sexless marriage, sometimes the best thing you can do for your family and sanity is stray. But be discreet and, most importantly, use protection.”

He has a modern understanding of what makes a strong marriage.


7) “Honestly, what’s the difference between downloading free music on the internet and shoplifting? None! And we all download music off the internet for free so no worries if you grab a purse from Macy’s without paying every once in a while. Shit, I’ve done it.”

So. Much. Funcis.


8) “If you borrow something from your neighbor without asking and he confronts you, the smart thing to do is blame a third neighbor.”

Ya gotta love a pope with street smarts.


9) “If the guy who lives across from you has a hot wife, it’s natural to want to bang her so don’t feel weird about it. But don’t do it. Unless you’re both in sexless marriages.”

And sex positivity.


10) “If the guy who lives across from you has a better house than you, obviously you want that house and not your own. I don’t expect Catholics to be fucking Communists, ya dig?”

But he’s still not a dirty Commie.