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Editorial: John, I Think You Should Get That Rash Checked Out

May 20, 2017

by Lorenne Davis, Altadena Hey John! Listen. I know you’re reading this. You’ve been ignoring my calls (and I don’t blame you for that), so I had to write a letter in your favorite local humor magazine to get this message across: I think you really need to get that rash on your upper thigh…

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Local Man Determined To Help Ed Werder Find New Job For Some Reason

April 27, 2017

Despite having no personal relationship with the man, a local resident is going out of his way to help recently unemployed NFL reporter Ed Werder. Werder had been a veteran for ESPN for years before being fired in a series of layoffs conducted by the organization this week. And now Pasadena resident Jim Sellers says…

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I Think I’ve Got My Swagger Back!

April 22, 2017

by Maggie Davis, Altadena Well hi ho! Would you look at me? I’m doing quite well! In good spirits! On the up and up! You might even say I have my “swagger” back! Yes, all my affairs are coming together quite nicely. I had hit a rough patch there for a while, and things were looking…

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Editorial: I Got My Dick Caught In A Snow Cone Machine. Where Are My Trigger Warnings?

April 8, 2017

by Art Groeber, South Pasadena Let’s talk about trigger warnings. I happen to think they’re an excellent idea. Why should someone have to relive a harrowing experience for no reason? PTSD is real. Trust me, I would know. So I think it’s great that victims are given a warning before they’re exposed to material that…

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New Soda Tax Won’t Apply To Mr. Pibb After Aggressive Lobbying Campaign

March 26, 2017

According to information obtained by The Pasadenoid, Pasadena’s new city-wide soda tax will apply to every brand of cola except for Mr. Pibb after an aggressive lobbying campaign. “Master Pibb will not allow sales to drop,” said his spokesperson, a giant cherry. “Yes, he would be none too pleased. That’s why he had to do some…

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Editorial: I’m Back!

March 18, 2017

by Hillary Clinton Hey guys! Look over here! It’s me, Hillary Clinton! You know, that lady you all love!  I took some time off after a rough fall (which will not be discussed, ever), but now I’m feeling much cheerier and am ready to return to the limelight. Yes that’s right…I’m back! And I’m ready to fight. I…

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Editorial: Things I’ve Learned While Drunk During This Dental Exam

March 18, 2017

by Clive Rufus, Altadena 6. I’m Just Going To Drool Everywhere You know what, they’re basically asking for it. Pokin’ me and proddin’ me all over my gums. Well if that’s they want, so be it. It’s about to flow like Niagara Falls in here. 5. Doctor’s Going On About Something What is he yakin’…

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Editorial: The High School Intern Shadowing Me At City Hall Needs To Be Stopped

March 12, 2017

by Jim McGrath, city council  Ok I’ve had just about enough! This internship has turned from a teaching experience into some sort of charade in which my intellect and qualifications are constantly in question. Take the other day. I was in my office, having a nice brandy. When my intern has the audacity to ask,…

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Local Man Eats Burritos For All Three Meals

March 5, 2017

According to sources, Pasadena resident Brian Davis regularly consumes burritos for every meal in a day. “I like to start off with a breakfast burrito from Lupita’s or Taco Stop. The former has a delicious green chili sauce that goes great with the eggs,” he told The Pasadenoid. Following his breakfast, Davis will usually travel to…

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Editorial: La La Land Isn’t The Best Film Of The Year. It’s The Best Film Of All Time.

February 26, 2017

by Johnny Hollywood, Academy Member The Godfather. Casablanca. Gone With The Wind. What do these classic films hold in common? Simple. They all suck in comparison to La La Land. That’s right, I said it. La La Land should not get praise for being the best film of the year, instead it should be cherished…

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