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White House Pop Culture Summit

May 16, 2018

DT: Welcome. I’m so glad you were all able to make it. You are some of the biggest influencers in popular culture. And together we can help MAGA go mainstream. KW: Excuse me, did you just say “mainstream”? DT: Yes. KW: You realize when you say that. YOU ARE LIMITING MY FREE THOUGHT. DT: Umm…sorry?…

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Mayor Announces “Some-Tolerance” Drug Policy For City Employees

May 10, 2018

In a long-anticipated move, Pasadena Mayor Robert Sanchez held a press conference this afternoon to announce the end of the city’s “zero- tolerance” drug policy for city employees and replace it with a “some-tolerance” initative. “We tried zeo-tolerance. It was an interesting idea. But we’re always evolving as a city and we will continue to…

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Editorial: In My Eyes, All Humans Are Equally Disgusting

May 3, 2018

by Janice McDonald, Pasadena There’s been a lot of talk about equality lately. I guess it’s because the President is a psycho racist. So I thought as a Beautiful Person I should contribute to the discussion. I find all of you people hideous. Absolutely repulsive. You are all disgusting slovenly creatures who quite frankly don’t…

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Editorial: Spring Updates To New Year’s Resolutions

April 30, 2018

by Jim Stanley, Altadena 1. Exercise more -I jogged three times in January, once in February, and have gained 18 pounds since March.  2. Give up drinking -And then Jessica’s Bat Mitzvah happened. Yikes.  3. Apologize to Diane for stealing her gardening equiptment -Who am I, Superman? Never should have promised this.  4. Clean the…

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Editorial: Where Have I Been? Well, Definitely Not In Lewisberg, VA On February 22nd, 2017! Nope!

April 21, 2018

by Meg Davis, Pasadena Hey everybody! So good to see you again! Yes, it’s me, Meg Davis. The girl who owns the discount laundromat on Lake, where your clothes always come back smelling like feet. Yep, it’s really me! I’ve had a lot of people coming up to me and asking needlessly probing questions about…

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Editorial: I Make A Mean, Dirty, Nasty Meatloaf

March 23, 2018

by John Smote, Monrovia. Mmmm. Smell that? You guessed it. Daddy’s got a meatloaf going tonight. His special recipe. You know the one I’m talking about. This meatloaf is mean. It is straight up cruel. It’s the kind of meatloaf who would dump you on prom night. Or host a poker night and rig it….

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Editorial: Why I Put All That Old Halloween Taffy Down The Garbage Disposal

March 4, 2018

by Jim Swanson, Altadena Ok, Jane. I owe you an explanation, don’t I? That seems reasonable enough I suppose. Well, here goes: Life has been tough recently. When I lost my job at SpaceX for putting gum in the rocket boosters, I assumed I’d be back on my feet shortly. Six years later, I’m beginning…

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Lifestyle: How to Balance Time Between Your Demanding Job and Raising Your Hermit Crabs

January 10, 2018

With a demanding job in the year in the modern age, it can be difficult to find time for the things you love. Smart phones and wifi make it almost impossible to be out of your coworkers reach when you are off the clock. So how is it possible to maintain a busy work life…

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List: Things I’ve Learned From Dating Russian Bots

December 23, 2017

by Elise June, Monrovia The internet is a scary place, and dating on the internet can be even scarier. I’ve spent years in and out of relationships with Russian bots, and it can take quite a toll on you if you’re not prepared for the challenges you may face. For this reason I have written…

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Police Say Man Who Eats A Lot Of Hot Dogs No Longer Suspect In Missing Hot Dogs Case

December 8, 2017

Pasadena Police Chief Lou Williams announced today that local hot dog connoisseur Robert Samuels is no longer a suspect in the hot dog bandit case. “We were able to determine that Samuels had a rock-solid alibi. He was at home eating hot dogs and watching reruns of Roseanne. And we have the video to prove…

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