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Editorial: Some Thoughts On Our Nation

September 22, 2017

by Ethan Schillinger, Pasadena Some people think America is on its last legs because it elected an egomaniac who is also racist and dumb. They think this is like when grandpas start babbling before we send them to the farm. That might be true but it might not be. America is 241 years old, but…

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Tech Review: Oh Yeah, Fuck Me IPhone X

September 21, 2017

By Bert Strong, Tech Reporter Oh. Oh yeah. Oh my god yes. This new iPhone. It’s making me feel so good. It’s rocking my freakin’ world! Mmm. Yeah. Just like that. So sleek. Oh yeah keep it going just like that. Mmmmm…mmmmm… yes!!! This feels so amazing! God! God yes! That camera! Aw yeah! I…

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So Trump Has Declared Himself Emperor. Does Anyone Really Care?

September 10, 2017

By Hugh Lavishly, Monrovia Here we go again. Trump is in the news for saying something “controversial.” This time he says he would prefer to be an emperor than a president. Of course the mainstream media has turned this into the next big controversy, claiming it spells gloom and doom for the concept of democracy…

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11-Year-Old Walking Across America To Prove He’s A Cocky Little Shit

September 3, 2017

By Jim Daniels, Altadena.  An eleven-year-old boy from Tucson, Arizona in on a mission to walk across the country. Why? He says it’s for Crohn’s disease awareness. But we all know it’s actually because he’s a cocky little shit who wants to prove he’s better than everyone else. I mean, let’s be honest. If you…

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Report: John McCain To Take Short Break From Stroking Chin And Muttering “This Is Troubling”

July 3, 2017

According to sources on John McCain’s staff, the Senator will take a short break this afternoon from stroking his chin and muttering “this is troubling.” “This is troubling,” he said when approached by The Pasadenoid for a comment. Several McCain staffers told our newspaper they are becoming concerned that the Senator is losing touch with…

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Editorial: This Michael Phelps Race Is A Lose-Lose For Sharks Everywhere

June 18, 2017

by Winston Daniels, shark You have got to be kidding me. This is an absolute affront to sharks everywhere. Apparently some gangly human named Michael Phelps is going to attempt to race one of us in the water. This farce, my fellow sharks, is a lose-lose for our noble species. Please allow me to explain…

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“Good Samaritan” Actually Total Dipshit

June 13, 2017

According to sources close to the matter, a local man who authorities say called 911 when he witnessed a car collision on the 91 freeway is a total jerk. “We’re gonna call the guy who punched me to get ahead in line at Arby’s a ‘Good Samaritan’? Oh hell no,” said local accountant Lisa Davis….

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Leaked: The Comey Memos

June 4, 2017

The Pasadenoid has obtained leaked memos from Comey’s personal file on his dealings with Donald Trump. We chose to publish them in hopes it would make us rich:  1.12.07 Omg! Tonight was the most embarrassing night ever! So I had to go to this stupid White House thing, which I didn’t want to go to at…

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Editorial: John, I Think You Should Get That Rash Checked Out

May 20, 2017

by Lorenne Davis, Altadena Hey John! Listen. I know you’re reading this. You’ve been ignoring my calls (and I don’t blame you for that), so I had to write a letter in your favorite local humor magazine to get this message across: I think you really need to get that rash on your upper thigh…

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Local Man Determined To Help Ed Werder Find New Job For Some Reason

April 27, 2017

Despite having no personal relationship with the man, a local resident is going out of his way to help recently unemployed NFL reporter Ed Werder. Werder had been a veteran for ESPN for years before being fired in a series of layoffs conducted by the organization this week. And now Pasadena resident Jim Sellers says…

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