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Report: John McCain To Take Short Break From Stroking Chin And Muttering “This Is Troubling”

July 3, 2017

According to sources on John McCain’s staff, the Senator will take a short break this afternoon from stroking his chin and muttering “this is troubling.” “This is troubling,” he said when approached by The Pasadenoid for a comment. Several McCain staffers told our newspaper they are becoming concerned that the Senator is losing touch with…

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Editorial: This Michael Phelps Race Is A Lose-Lose For Sharks Everywhere

June 18, 2017

by Winston Daniels, shark You have got to be kidding me. This is an absolute affront to sharks everywhere. Apparently some gangly human named Michael Phelps is going to attempt to race one of us in the water. This farce, my fellow sharks, is a lose-lose for our noble species. Please allow me to explain…

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“Good Samaritan” Actually Total Dipshit

June 13, 2017

According to sources close to the matter, a local man who authorities say called 911 when he witnessed a car collision on the 91 freeway is a total jerk. “We’re gonna call the guy who punched me to get ahead in line at Arby’s a ‘Good Samaritan’? Oh hell no,” said local accountant Lisa Davis….

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Leaked: The Comey Memos

June 4, 2017

The Pasadenoid has obtained leaked memos from Comey’s personal file on his dealings with Donald Trump. We chose to publish them in hopes it would make us rich:  1.12.07 Omg! Tonight was the most embarrassing night ever! So I had to go to this stupid White House thing, which I didn’t want to go to at…

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Editorial: John, I Think You Should Get That Rash Checked Out

May 20, 2017

by Lorenne Davis, Altadena Hey John! Listen. I know you’re reading this. You’ve been ignoring my calls (and I don’t blame you for that), so I had to write a letter in your favorite local humor magazine to get this message across: I think you really need to get that rash on your upper thigh…

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Local Man Determined To Help Ed Werder Find New Job For Some Reason

April 27, 2017

Despite having no personal relationship with the man, a local resident is going out of his way to help recently unemployed NFL reporter Ed Werder. Werder had been a veteran for ESPN for years before being fired in a series of layoffs conducted by the organization this week. And now Pasadena resident Jim Sellers says…

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I Think I’ve Got My Swagger Back!

April 22, 2017

by Maggie Davis, Altadena Well hi ho! Would you look at me? I’m doing quite well! In good spirits! On the up and up! You might even say I have my “swagger” back! Yes, all my affairs are coming together quite nicely. I had hit a rough patch there for a while, and things were looking…

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Editorial: I Got My Dick Caught In A Snow Cone Machine. Where Are My Trigger Warnings?

April 8, 2017

by Art Groeber, South Pasadena Let’s talk about trigger warnings. I happen to think they’re an excellent idea. Why should someone have to relive a harrowing experience for no reason? PTSD is real. Trust me, I would know. So I think it’s great that victims are given a warning before they’re exposed to material that…

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New Soda Tax Won’t Apply To Mr. Pibb After Aggressive Lobbying Campaign

March 26, 2017

According to information obtained by The Pasadenoid, Pasadena’s new city-wide soda tax will apply to every brand of cola except for Mr. Pibb after an aggressive lobbying campaign. “Master Pibb will not allow sales to drop,” said his spokesperson, a giant cherry. “Yes, he would be none too pleased. That’s why he had to do some…

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Editorial: I’m Back!

March 18, 2017

by Hillary Clinton Hey guys! Look over here! It’s me, Hillary Clinton! You know, that lady you all love!  I took some time off after a rough fall (which will not be discussed, ever), but now I’m feeling much cheerier and am ready to return to the limelight. Yes that’s right…I’m back! And I’m ready to fight. I…

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