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Editorial: I’m Back!

March 18, 2017

by Hillary Clinton Hey guys! Look over here! It’s me, Hillary Clinton! You know, that lady you all love!  I took some time off after a rough fall (which will not be discussed, ever), but now I’m feeling much cheerier and am ready to return to the limelight. Yes that’s right…I’m back! And I’m ready to fight. I…

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Editorial: Things I’ve Learned While Drunk During This Dental Exam

March 18, 2017

by Clive Rufus, Altadena 6. I’m Just Going To Drool Everywhere You know what, they’re basically asking for it. Pokin’ me and proddin’ me all over my gums. Well if that’s they want, so be it. It’s about to flow like Niagara Falls in here. 5. Doctor’s Going On About Something What is he yakin’…

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Editorial: The High School Intern Shadowing Me At City Hall Needs To Be Stopped

March 12, 2017

by Jim McGrath, city council  Ok I’ve had just about enough! This internship has turned from a teaching experience into some sort of charade in which my intellect and qualifications are constantly in question. Take the other day. I was in my office, having a nice brandy. When my intern has the audacity to ask,…

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Local Man Eats Burritos For All Three Meals

March 5, 2017

According to sources, Pasadena resident Brian Davis regularly consumes burritos for every meal in a day. “I like to start off with a breakfast burrito from Lupita’s or Taco Stop. The former has a delicious green chili sauce that goes great with the eggs,” he told The Pasadenoid. Following his breakfast, Davis will usually travel to…

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Editorial: La La Land Isn’t The Best Film Of The Year. It’s The Best Film Of All Time.

February 26, 2017

by Johnny Hollywood, Academy Member The Godfather. Casablanca. Gone With The Wind. What do these classic films hold in common? Simple. They all suck in comparison to La La Land. That’s right, I said it. La La Land should not get praise for being the best film of the year, instead it should be cherished…

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Editorial: It Tastes Like Sand

February 19, 2017

by Arnie Davis, Pasadena Ew. Yuck. I don’t like this. It’s all dry and crusty. Ich. This is so gross. So nasty.  Is it really food? Pft pft. Sorry I just had to spit some out. I don’t think I could swallow all of it if I tried. I don’t have enough saliva. And what…

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Stephen Miller

Editorial: I May Be Lying, But My Opinion Matters

February 12, 2017

by Stephen Miller, Trump Spokesperson Look guys. I get what you are all saying about the immigration issue. You make some very compelling arguments about why we shouldn’t ban a religious population from entering the USA. I understand your side of it. And the truth is, if I’m speaking honestly, I completely agree with you. Trump’s…

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Resident Spotlight: Bill Samuels, Accountant

February 4, 2017

The Pasadenoid: So, you’re an accountant, huh? Bill Samuels Yep. The Pasadenoid Ok…yikes this is so boring already. Bill Samuels  Why did you even invite me to do this in the first place? The Pasadenoid I don’t know. We were probably high. Is there anything about your life that is remotely interesting at all? Bill…

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Editorial: What The Hell Is In This Soup?

February 4, 2017

My…my God. What the hell is this? What is this bizarre substance in my soup I ordered at Khan’s Soup-A-Catessen? I’ve never seen anything like it! It’s so…spongy. It might be the spongiest food I’ve ever eaten. It jiggles and if I touch it with my spoon it curls up. Jesus, is this thing alive?…

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Report: More Americans Yelling At Inanimate Objects

February 3, 2017

A report released eariler this week suggests that more Americans are taking out their frustrations on lifeless objects than ever before. “Fuck you, chair!” said Leslie Jones of Altadena after stubbing her toe on the object. Researchers point to increased stress, anxiety, and annoying technologies that talk to you as possible causes of the phenomenon….

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